


Thomas Annus

by Bakurakrazie



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Cooking, Food, Gen, Sexual Humor, cursing, death talk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24507058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bakurakrazie/pseuds/Bakurakrazie
Summary: What would you do if you only had a year left to live? Would you squander the time you were given? Or would you make every second count?Welcome to Thomas Annus.
Kudos: 7





	1. Thomas Annus

**Author's Note:**

> General warnings for the whole fic for talk about death and its universality, Remus's dirty sense of humor, Remus's gross sense of humor, Remus's violent sense of humor.

365:00:00:00

364:23:59:59

364:23:59:58

364:23:59:57

Remus and Janus stand upright, hands clasped in front of them. They both wear suits; Remus's entirely black, Janus's entirely white. A spinning spiral of intertwined black and white turns in the background. Remus is the first to speak. 

"We live our lives, taking each second for granted…" He's even-toned, almost solemn. 

"But what would you do if you knew how much time you had left?" Janus tilts his head ever so slightly. 

"Thomas Annus," Janus states. 

"Unus Thomas," Remus says at the same time. They abruptly turn their heads towards each other. They blink. The video starts again with a blip, both of them facing forward again. 

"Thomas Annus," Remus states. 

"One year." Janus steeples his fingers. 

"This fanfic, much like all of you," Remus grins, "has a limited amount of time."

"And every day, we march ever closer to this fanfic's inevitable doom."

"That means we'll be uploading until the clock strikes zero!" Remus taps his wrist, even though it's devoid a watch. 

"And then, it's game over." Janus lowers his head a touch, his own grin playing on his lips. 

"Bye-bye!" Remus waves with his fingers. 

"Finito."

"Finished."

"Curtains." Janus rolls his shoulder, cape rippling at the movement. 

"Gone gone," Remus sing-songs.

"Night-night."

" _Dead._ " Remus leers, leaning forward towards the camera. 

"Forever," Janus raises a brow at him. 

"Make no mistake." Remus settles back into place, regaining his initial affect. "This doesn't mean that we'll just stop uploading." 

"When the time runs out, we will be deleting this fanfic," he extends a finger from his hand, "and every, single, chapter in it." He points with each phrase, emphasizing his words. 

"And you'll never be able to read them again." Remus tilts his head suddenly to one side, neck stretching. 

"Because much like death, you can't take it with you."

"And all we'll have is the memories that we make along the way." Remus stares at Janus, who glances back at him, making eye contact. 

"And memes." Remus startles.

"Wait, this fanfic is going to have memes?" He raises both eyebrows. Janus is silent for a moment. 

"... Yes." They both face forward again. 

A loud ticking begins from a clock unseen. 

"So the clock starts now." 

"The choice is yours." Janus gestures forward, palm up. 

"Will you join us?" Remus places a hand on his chest. 

"Or will you miss out on your one chance to be a part of Thomas Annus?"

"Because time is already running out!"

"The train is already moving." Remus silently mouths 'choo-choo' to himself, pulling an invisible chain. He perks up, seemingly realizing that it's his turn again. 

"So subscribe now!" He blurts out hurriedly. "Because _death_ is already coming." He grasps the handle of his suddenly-summoned morning star tightly.

"Ask not for whom the bell tolls." Janus waves his hand down at Remus. " _Ring_ the bell for thyself to know."

"For there are no second chances," Remus lowers his weapon with a pout.

"And if you miss out, all you'll be left with is regret." 

"Omnia terminos."

"We'll see you tomorrow. Thomas Annus."

"Wait," Remus turns to him, confused. "I thought it was supposed to be Memento Mori, what happened?" Janus shrugs, one-shouldered. 

"We're doing something different. Roll with it."

"If you insist!" Remus throws his morning star behind him, and then flops down onto the ground, rolling off-screen. Janus looks up at the camera, gives a last smirk, then reaches for the lens. The screen turns black. 

The countdown clock ticks away its time. 

Endcard

Remus is leaning on his morning star, spiky bit down on the floor, arms crossed on the end of the pole. 

"So, what do you think the chances are that the Unus Annus rules actually apply to this fanfic?" Janus hums in thought. 

"What, you mean the updating every day?"

"Nah, well, maybe." He shimmies his hips, turning so that his back is leaning on the pole instead, face up. "I guess it's possible that each chapter could be deleted a year after it's posted. I meant the whole deletey part to begin with." 

"I believe there is a percent chance of it adhering strictly to the original concept, yes."

"Really? What percent?"

"Zero."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To clarify, this fanfic will not be: 1) updated every day, 2) deleted, 3) following Unus Annus videos this close to script every chapter.


	2. Cooking With Sex Toys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus and Remus start the first last day of their lives right with a healthy wholesome breakfast. A tool is useless in the wrong hands, so the boys start cooking the perfect breakfast with the right tools. Sex toys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this individual chapter: implied sexual content, sexual innuendo, cursing, graphic descriptions of sex toys, graphic description of sex toys being used (in a non-sexual context), implications of sex toys being used in a sexual context, food.

THOMAS ANNUS, _THOMAS **ANNUS**_

"So!" Remus was pressed close to the camera, his face filling the screen. "We thought we'd start this channel off with a bang!" He stepped back to reveal a box overflowing with what were clearly items to be used during sexual escapades. "Literally!" He grinned, then amended. "The non-explodey type," he see-sawed his hand back and forth, eyebrows raised. 

"Nothing about this is going to invoke the literal use of 'bang'," Janus adjusted his hat as the camera zoomed out to show him standing a few feet from Remus. "Unless I bang a frying pan over your head." 

"Kinky." Janus sighed audibly and rolled his eyes.

"We're cooking with sex toys. Specifically, breakfast." He gave a light smirk. "I'm sure it'll go perfectly smoothly." Remus sashayed his way over to the pile. 

"Welcome to my collection of sex toys!"

"Remus," Janus frowned. "Those had all better be unused." 

"Ha ha ha!" He laughed stiltedly, and grinned at Janus, making eye contact. Janus's face held steady. Remus's grin twitched. He began to sweat. They kept staring at each other. Remus sweat harder. Janus furrowed his eyebrows the slightest bit. Remus bolted, grabbing the box, hefting it over his head before taking off somewhere off-screen. 

A lone ball-gag fell from off top and bounced a few inches across the floor. Janus ignored it, and relaxed into a natural stance, inspecting his gloved fingers. He picked off a piece of lint idly while he waited. 

The sound of footsteps gradually increased until Remus came back into view, an empty box in tow, which he dropped onto the floor. He rested his hands on his bent knees, panting slightly. He rolled his shoulders, then straightened up. 

Janus looked at him out of the corner of his eyes, and he met his gaze. Remus cleared his throat. 

"So, we don't have any toys to use for the video."

"That's correct. And going out to the store to buy some isn't really an option for us."

"Luckily," Remus stood upright, perking up again, "we have the ability to create our own." He flourished his hand in the air. 

"Plus, this is so much cheaper." Janus smirked. 

"Welcome to your personal shopping trip, what can I get for you today, sir?" 

"Well," Janus started counting off on his fingers, "a regular dildo could potentially be useful," Remus waved his hand and a yellow and green striped silicone dildo appeared, "and a vibrator could be used in lieu of a whisk." He created one of those. "While we're on the subject, we could have one of those wands for comparison."

"The Hitachis?"

"What, and use the brand name in public like that?" Janus widened his eyes in fake offense. 

"Alright, keep going." Remus summoned a 'vibrating back massage' wand, plopping everything unceremoniously into the cardboard by his feet. 

"Maybe one of those electric wands to see if it generates enough power to cook anything?" Remus created each toy as Janus listed them off. "Some sort of whip, maybe, we'll need some sort of spatula object, so that's a paddle. Make that two. A liquid holder, maybe a fleshlight would do?" He looked over at Remus for his opinion. 

"Spreader bar!" Remus blurted out, startling Janus. He created one, spearing it into the pile in the box. "Nipple clamps!" He summoned no fewer than five different styles, letting them drop into the box. "Sex swing harness!" Janus looked distressed. 

"Remus, why?" Remus looked up at him, looked down at his accumulation in the box, then back up at Janus. He silently created a yellow snake tail attachment. It had shiny fabric scales along its length.

Janus let his head drop into his outstretched hand, sighing deeply. Remus went back to his original task happily, and summoned the last of the items. 

"Looks like we're ready to start our culinary misadventures! Me, D, and _all_ these Ds." He shook the box lightly. 

"Now," Janus lifted his head, massaging the bridge of his nose before addressing the camera again. "We would usually, of course, be using our kitchen, but everything is so _dark_ , it's hard to pick up on camera. The other side, however, is much better lit, so we're going to use their kitchen." 

"And steal their food!" Remus clapped his hands together, and the video transitioned to them smiling and standing in the kitchen shared by the other four sides. The video zoomed in and manually followed Remus's hand as he grabbed a big red dildo with a suction base, and slammed it onto the wall. The screen resumed its usual ratio. 

The red dildo wobbled in place. 

"Hey, should we have aprons?" Remus turned to Janus with a questioning glance. 

"How appropriately domestic," he smirked. "I'll pass, I can just use my cape." He looked at him, decidedly not moving to adjust his accessory. Remus shrugged. 

"Suit yourself!" He waved a hand, and he was wearing a nauseating color green apron. The words read 'Practice safe eating,' on top, and continued 'always use condoms!' on the bottom. There was a picture in the middle which was blurred in editing.

"You know," Janus leveled a stare at him, "that's supposed to say 'condi _ments_.'"

"Yep!"

They stared at each other, Janus skeptical, and Remus smiling wide. After thirty seconds, Remus turned and tromped over to the fridge.

Janus shrugged his shoulders, and looked around the cabinets, grabbing a few pans and bowls as he went. 

"They have pancake mix," he grabbed the container, shaking it back and forth. "Looks like we won't have to make it from scratch, what a pity." He placed it on the counter as Remus poked his head out of the fridge. 

"I think we've probably got something that can scratch in the box," he mentioned, distracted. "Hey, do we want white or brown eggs?"

Janus paused.

"I'm sure it'll make a difference, this is quite a big decision." Remus brightened. 

"What if we just make a _giant_ omelette!" He gasped, bringing two containers of eggs to his chest as he stood up, bouncing up and down on his toes. "We'll make one so big, it'll flow off the table, and onto the floor. So we'll have to sit on it! _And then eat the very chairs we sit on-_ "

"You know what?" Janus cut him off. "I think that's a great idea, that definitely will go right, because we'll definitely be able to use these tools," he stroked a paddle along its edge, "completely successfully the first time." 

"Ah. Backup?"

"But of course." 

"Hey, look at how prepared we are!" Remus walked both cartons of eggs over to Janus's station at the counter. "We're like boy scouts!" Janus stared at the sex toys all around the room. 

"Exactly like boy scouts, yes. Can you grab the milk or are you too busy designing a cursed merit badge in your head?" Janus raised an eyebrow as Remus huffed. 

"Like I can't do both," he grumbled, crossing his arms. He turned and went back to the fridge, rooting around it once more. It was silent for under five seconds before he gasped with excitement. "Hey, I found the bacon, too!"

"They're not those typical, flaccid strips are they?" Janus asked with a hint of a smile on his lips. 

"No," Remus held it up to the camera, "it's _thicc_ cut." 

"I hate that I know how you spelled that." Janus held a hand over his mouth, watching as Remus wobbled the package suggestively. 

The video cut to them standing by the stove with pans on it. The counter was organized with bowls and other equipment, ingredients they'd need, and sex toys. Remus held the yellow-and-green striped dildo in his right hand, a drill in the other. 

"It's in our colors!" He tossed it up in the air, catching it flat on his palm, the tip pointed away from him. "I'm lovingly caressing our dick," he wiggled his fingers as he held it, raising the drill up in preparation. 

"Charming," Janus rolled his eyes. Remus took the drill, holding the dildo firmly, jamming it against the base of the dildo. He started it. 

"I'm lovingly drilling our dick!" He shouted over the noise. "Funny, I'm usually the one _getting_ drilled!" 

Janus watched him, bored expression on his face. Remus finished drilling into it, and stopped the drill. He released his grip on the dildo and put the drill on again. The yellow and green blurred as it spun wildly on the end of it. "Pfffffffffftahahaha!" Janus's head fell forward as Remus's deranged cackling filled the kitchen. 

As they composed themselves, Remus set the drill with attachment on the counter, while Janus grabbed the packet of bacon, opened it up, and placed a slice in the pan. He took the electric prod, pressed it right onto the flesh of the meat, and turned it on. It zapped, but nothing happened otherwise. He kept it on for longer, but there was only the slightest opaqueness in the part that he was touching. 

"Well," Janus put the wand down, picked up a paddle, and prodded at the strip a few times with it, "it looks like we're going to have to do this the less fun way. 

He added three more strips into the pan, then plunked the pan onto the stove, and turned the heat on. "If you're trying to render the fat down, be like the turtle; slow and steady. It's very exciting to watch the fat slowly leave the meat, so if you want to do it on high, that's also fine. So long as you enjoy chewing on soggy fat strips." The pan started to sizzle slightly as fat eked out.

He poked a strip with the paddle again. "Also flipping them again and again is completely professional and works very well. Definitely don't wait for it to release upon its own accord." He glanced over at Remus, arranging the eggs and other tools that he needed. "And we'll be using the fat that we render out to cook the eggs. If you're vegetarian or kosher, so sorry, nothing can be done about that. But then, you wouldn't be using the bacon to begin with."

He paused, lifting the paddle up, turning to face the camera directly. He narrowed his eyebrows, eyes open in small slits. "Would you?"

Janus turned back to the pan, jiggling it a little, causing one of the strips to shift only slightly. "If you want to leave this step out, it'll be lower-fat, but also lower-taste. You'll have to throw it and waste it."

"Eh, worse comes to worse, I'll just drink it or turn it into soap or both." Remus added as began to crack an egg into a bowl. The camera focused closer on Janus's pan as he finally started flipping the bacon with some measure of difficulty. Some large measure of difficulty. 

He dropped one piece three times, until he finally managed to get the paddle underneath a strip vertically, which seemed to hold it until he flipped it over. It twisted as it fell, flopping over onto itself. Janus frowned, before looking up at Remus, and his eyes widened as he pointed frantically in his direction. The camera panned over to him, but he was just opening a carton of eggs. When it panned back to Janus, all the strips of bacon were flipped over to the other side, and Janus was wiping his greasy glove on a towel. "First time."

The camera focused back to Remus again, where he was cracking eggs into a bowl. He hit the egg onto the countertop, and he broke it open, half the shell in either hand as he let the insides goo out. He threw away the shell, took another egg, then hesitated. He took one of the paddles, and gave the egg a smack, which resulted in it cracking completely open in his hand. 

"Eggs are not into BDSM," Remus reported, causing Janus to snort.

"You need to let them set a safeword first."

"Today's safeword is scrambled!" Remus leered into the camera. 

"It sounds like you're telling them what letters our video is brought to them by," Janus noted, poking a strip. Remus brightened. 

"Today, on Sexsame Street-" Janus cut off the rest of his sentence with a raucous laugh, turning away from the stove momentarily. Remus continued cracking eggs, sans paddle, and got them all into the metal bowl. He picked the drill back up, and put it into the bowl. He turned it on, letting it rotate around a bit, before manually moving it around to break the remaining yolks. 

He started to move it around the bowl, better getting the eggs mixed up a little before turning it off again and setting it on the counter. "Hey, what else are we putting in here? Salt, pepper. Maybe some milk? Or _cream_?" He grabbed his own crotch, wiggling his eyebrows, and his entire body, up and down. 

Janus didn't even blink. He was now improvising a pair of tongs by using two paddles together. 

"Milk and seasonings, yes, mix them in well." He raised an eyebrow. "And if you don't wash your hands now, I'm turning the hose on you." Remus leered at him. 

"It washes its hands, or it gets the hose again!" He turned around on the ball of one foot, and then walked off to the bathroom, hips swaying every step. 

Janus, meanwhile set all the bacon on a plate lined with paper towels, and left the pan on the stove. He went over to grab the pancake mix, bowl, whip, and fleshlight. It was only shaped like a mouth, which was lucky, considering who created it.

He went over to his station by the kitchen sink and dumped the bag of mix into the bowl, and filled the fleshlight with water. "This seems to hold exactly a cup, I can completely measure by eye." He took the small whip, and started vaguely using it to stir the water into the dry ingredients. He filled the fleshlight up again, slowly pouring in with his right hand, turning the whip with the other. The bowl moved with the whip. He sighed. 

"The bowl is moving when I stir it. This is expected, but I'm sure glad this isn't annoying at all." He placed everything on the counter. "It's lucky that we have professional, expensive equipment to prevent this from happening." He grabbed a towel with little baby animals on it, wet it, put it on the table, and then put the bowl on top. 

He resumed whipping the mixture in the bowl, which didn't move. He peered down into it. "A little dense." He silently filled up the fleshlight again, pouring it in, essentially flailing the whip around in the bowl as it loosened. "There. That looks a lot more batter-y."

"You need batteries for something, DJ?" Janus turned his head.

"That definitely should have taken you that long- what is that." He pointed at Remus's crotch, which had a long shape of shiny yellow snake-like fabric sticking out of it. 

"It's my frail!" He ran his fingers on its underside, lifting it. "You know, front tail? Now we match," he squeezed it, emitting a squeaking noise, letting it dangle freely once more. 

"Is that a dog toy?" Janus sounded slightly disjointed. 

"Not anymore!" He twirled around back to his task, yellow toy flopping with the movement. Janus faced the camera, staring. The corner of his mouth twitched.

Remus, meanwhile, added a flourish of salt from above, visibly missing half of it on the counter and floor. "Almost ready to cook," he grinned, drilling the eggs into submission. "Get the flavor real _deep_ in there." 

He stopped the drill, peering into the bowl. "Hey, this is actually working pretty well." He stopped the drill, lifting it out, a trail of egg goop dripping from the bowl to the tip of the dildo. 

He tilted the bowl so that Janus could see it. The camera focused on the contents. They did, indeed, look fairly well mixed. "These eggs are going to be as yellow and fluffy as you are!" 

"Make sure to oil my pan," he reminded, not even bothering to look up from his station. 

"Yeah, sure, I'll lube you up real good." He put the pan on the stovetop, grabbed the bacon pan that Janus used earlier, and turned the heat up high on both of them. The camera went back to Janus, who started to walk back to the stove. He grabbed a measuring cup on the way, finally putting the bowl down, tilting the pan around.

"An uneven spread of oil is perfect, if you enjoy eating stuck food off the bottom of the pan." Presumably satisfied, he set it down again, lowered the heat, and took a measuring cup full of batter, pouring it in. "Same thing for cranking up the heat to its highest setting." He gave a pointed look towards Remus, who grumbled as he turned his own burner down. 

Janus stood ready with a relatively flat paddle, the one with holes going through it to lessen the impact. "I'm waiting for bubbles," he stated in a voice flatter than the paddle. 

"Ooh, fun." Remus poured the eggs into his own pan, whipped out the wand vibrator, and plugged it in. "Alright, come here, this is the fun part," he waved the camera over as he stepped back a bit to give a better angle of the pan. 

The eggs were still mostly raw in the middle, but the edges around the rim had started turning bright yellow and were no longer see through. "Time to vibrate!" And with no preamble he stuck the head into the center of the pan, turning the switch on. The pan started vibrating. 

So did Remus. 

"I can't leave you alone for two seconds, can I," Janus mused, although he didn't look nearly as disgruntled as he sounded. 

"I-I-Is it w-w-w-wo-o-or-r-r-rk-i-i-i-ng?" Remus's whole body was shaking. From the hand holding the wand, to the pan, to the arm holding the pan; it was a complete circuit of idiocy.

Janus casually unplugged it from the wall, and Remus vibrated in place for another three seconds before he stopped, sagging with the cessation of movement. 

Janus wordlessly handed him another paddle, this one solid, and leather, before picking his own up again. Remus shook out his head like a dog. "So, that really sucked a big one, huh?" 

"That's almost barely an understatement," he smirked, flipping his pancake over. Remus, meanwhile, started scraping around the edge of the pan, turning the eggs in on themselves, letting the drippy, raw egg get direct heat. 

"Hey, how much am I cooking these? Like, how juicy do you want your eggs?" Remus watched as Janus lifted the edge of his pancake to see if it was done. 

"Call them juicy again, and I'm upheaving this entire bowl of batter over your head." He tilted the pancake onto a plate on the counter. Remus waggled his eyebrows. "Soft, but cooked fully. I'm not an animal."

"Wait, what's your problem with raw eggs?" Remus's eyebrows furrowed, he seemed confused. He picked up a spare bit of shell that was left out, sniffed it, concentrating. Then he shoved it into his mouth, crunching loudly. "Tastes normal to me!"

"Just paddle your eggs." Janus poured more batter into the pan. Remus did so with a little happy hum. Janus turned towards the camera with a big grin. "Nothing like a nice, wholesome, family-friendly breakfast."

"Just like Aunt Patty used to make!" 

"The key to scrambled eggs is ensuring that every part is cooked, yet not overcooked. Like Remus is doing, nice, slow, continuous movement." Remus started shimmying, adding to the movement, but detracting from his ability to properly turn the eggs. "Just look at that technique. Such style," Remus took his own plate, dumping the eggs on them. "Such flair!" He scraped out the last bits with the paddle. "Such eggs."

Remus finished plating, then smacked Janus on his butt with the paddle, its job complete. He turned and glared at him, even as he took his second pancake off. "If you left egg on there, you're taking care of laundry."

"Aw, come on, it's just like that expression!" Janus raised an eyebrow. "You know, when you're embarrassed, 'Boy, have I got egg on my ass!'" 

"Maybe we _should_ have kept the ball gag, after all."

"Why?" Janus stared Remus right in his eyes. 

"Trust me, we need it." Remus blinked before he leered, his eyebrows going wild. 

"Come on, Jay-nus, you know you liked it. Right?" He moved shoulders both back and forth and up and down. Janus turned right towards the camera, face blank. 

"No."

" _TRANSITION!_ " Remus shrieked as he hit Janus's ass again. 

The next shot saw them in their own kitchen (or, at least, a different, much cleaner kitchen.) They sat at the table with the drill, 'special attachment' still on it, in between them both. Remus had a spreader bar on his wrists, and Janus was wearing a gimp mask, mouth unzipped. He still had his hat on over it. They both had a set of nipple clamps on their ears like earrings. 

"Breakfast time. The most important meal of the day." Janus gestured to the plates they had in front of them. A pancake, some eggs, and two strips of bacon were on each. 

"Even more important than usual because of our special equipment," Remus chirped. He pointed, stilted, at the drill, the camera followed. "That's why our drilldo is our special guest!" There was some form of choking noise from Janus. When the camera focused back on him, he seemed perfectly composed. 

"Time to dig in." He unfurled his napkin with a flap, setting it on his lap, before he picked up his knife and fork. He cut off a piece of the pancake, and put it in his mouth. "Hmm, not bad, if a little dry. If only there were something to combat that."

"Syrup?" Remus offered, holding up a translucent tube in his left hand over Janus's plate. 

"If you would," he nodded. 

In Remus's right hand, somehow managing to hold both of his awkwardly positioned arms steady, he lifted up a plastic bag full of syrup. He squeezed it, and it traveled up from the bag through the coiled tube and eventually out of the tip and onto the pancake. Janus took another bite. "Much better." Remus grinned then looked down at his plate. 

"I don't think I can reach my own," he demonstrated, attempting to move the tube directly in front of himself to no avail. Janus deftly took the tube from him, aiming on top of Remus's dish. He gasped happily, excitedly pumping the bag as syrup flooded his plate. He stopped when it was on the verge of spilling over the edge. He grinned up at Janus. "You may not want to admit that we're friends, but you can't deny; at least we're not enemas." The tube hit him smack in the middle of his face. 

Janus had gone back to eating as he appeared to be idly watching Remus struggle with picking up his fork. He let the bag of syrup drop to the floor with a splat and attempted to turn his body to grab the knife. Once he successfully had both pieces of silverware in his hands, he looked down. "......... Yeah, there's no way I can use these, fuck it." And, fork and knife still in his hands, he flung his head down onto the plate, face first, and started chewing. 

"Classy." 

"Shanc foo!"

"Don't talk with your mouth full, where do you think we are?" Remus lifted his head, pancake crumbs on his forehead, scrambled egg bits around his mouth and chin, a strip of bacon in his mouth, and syrup absolutely everywhere, dripping back down onto his plate. Janus just rolled his eyes, and held out a napkin towards his face, lightly dabbing at the corner of his mouth. 

It was just that moment when _some_ thing changed in the atmosphere. There was a whooshing sound as there was every time a side rose up. But this wasn't another side. The change in the air never happened when it was one of them. 

It was Thomas. 

"Hey, guys, sorry for interrupting, but I was talking with everyone else about…" Thomas looked around as he trailed off. He took in Janus's mask, "about…" he looked at the spreader bar around Remus's wrists, cutlery still clutched in his hands, "about…" he saw the enema full of syrup oozing slowly onto the floor. 

A chunk of egg slowly fell, making its way down Remus's cheek. Thomas's eyes followed it as it landed in the lake of syrup with a tiny splash. 

He took a few moments to attempt to get his mouth working again, wherein he just flapped his mouth open and closed uselessly. He finally seemed to be able to speak again. "I'm gonna- I'm _really_ sorry about interrupting. I'm...go," and he sunk out. 

The second he was gone, the two of them exploded. Janus's harsh peals of laughter, versus Remus's uncontrolled and fluctuating. Neither seemed to be able to stop. Eventually, Janus seemed to be able to compose himself enough to make a statement. 

"What a perfectly normal visit from our host. Do you suppose he wanted to borrow a cup of sugar?" He grinned at Remus, who was merely wheezing now. 

"He never- he never- when was the last time he came into our side? " And he promptly erupted into high-pitched shrieks again. Janus snorted, probably less derisively than he'd want. 

"Well," he began "we learned, we laughed, we-"

"We had hot, dirty love in the kitchen," Remus cut into Janus's summation. 

"And everyone knows that love is the most important ingredient," Janus picked right back up. "I think we can safely put today down as a roaring success, overall."

"And how!" Remus faceplanted back into his food. Janus stared at the camera through his mask. 

"Our channel is off to a solid start. Remember to like and subscribe. There may be consequences if you don't. Dire consequences." He tilted his head to one side, and cupped a hand around where his ear was under the leather. "For who?" He dropped his hand. "Maybe you, maybe me, maybe both of us, maybe none of us. Can you really take that chance? After all, how much time do you really have left? Thomas Annus. Omnia terminos." Remus took this moment to chime in, still nose-deep in his food. 

"We're all gonna die!" His voice came out muffled. Janus looked directly into the camera again. The screen blacked out. The clock resumed its countdown. 

Endcard: 

The scene is back in the kitchen where Remus and Janus cooked. Four _whoosh_ es sounded from off-camera, as the murmur of voices filtered through, getting steadily closer. 

"... think we have a solid plan for Thomas."

"Yeah! I'm going to scrape up some food for us in celebration!" A pause. 

"Perhaps I shall assist you." Two sets of footsteps sound, growing ever louder. 

"Hey, the more the merrier! Let's just see what we have in the _AHHHH!_ " And finally, someone emerged from the other room, barely even coming onscreen before the sight of the catastrophe met his eyes. 

His eyes would never be the same again. 

"Patton!" A trio of voices called out, rushing beside him. Logan, who was already closest poked his head in, eyes wide. Virgil crowded in behind him, also apparently rendered speechless. The disgust was evident on his face. 

Roman barely stopped short of slamming into them all, head whipping around, but unable to see completely into the kitchen. 

"Where's the danger?! What happened?!" Virgil and Logan shared an unsettled look, and then slowly peeled away, going in to see the extent of the damage. Roman stepped close and gasped, hand on the doorframe, steadying himself. "Dear sweet throne of Olympus!" 

"What the hell hit this place?" Virgil wondered, dazed, as he continued to look around, spotting the filthy dishes not even in the sink. He wrinkled his nose in disgust as he started getting a better look at some of the "spatulas" left in the bowls. 

"I'm unsure as to the source, but there does appear to be quite a large number of," Logan hesitated, choosing his words carefully. "Copulation paraphernalia distributed around the area."

"In the kitchen," Patton sounded nearly devastated. "In the place where we have _food._ " He rubbed at his eyes as though it would wipe away the horrors he was seeing. It didn't. "And all this mess…Who could have done this?"

"I think I know who!" Roman had composed himself, standing upright again. "It was undoubtedly my brother and-" but he was cut off by another cry from Virgil. 

"Ugh, oh my god, _Roman!_ " Roman looked up, confused as to why he was having such an adverse reaction to his accusation. He saw Virgil pointing at the big red dildo, still stuck on the wall. He paled. Virgil was turned away, hiding in his non-pointing hand, face red. 

"Roman, how could you?!" Patton asked, betrayed. 

"I- what- no!" Roman sputtered. "I didn't do that! That's not even mine!" When the other three shot him matching doubtful looks, he frowned. "It's not! There's no proof!"

"If I may offer some evidence," Logan pulled out his vocabulary cards, making Roman groan, shifting through them, until he landed on the one he seemed to be looking for. He adjusted his glasses, and cleared his throat. "Shut up, it's fucking red."

"Oh my god!" 

"The kitchen will never be clean enough." Virgil had his hands pressed flat against the sides of his head. "My _eyes_ will never be clean enough."

"I think," Patton wavered, "that I'm just going to go lie down." He turned and walked towards the exit, steps shaky. "I'll see you guys later. Maybe I'll have a nap. Or a nightmare." He perked up, muttering to himself as he headed for his room, wobbling around the corner. "Maybe I'll wake up and _this_ will have just been a nightmare."

They all silently watched him leave. They waited until he closed his door. They watched for a moment longer. Logan turned to Roman again. 

"Well, I must be going. Virgil." He inclined his head. Virgil blinked, then had a false start, teetering for a moment, before staggering over to Logan. "Roman," he decidedly did not incline his head, "good luck with the clean up." And with that he turned around, ignoring Roman's continued protests, and walked out, with Virgil following him. 

Roman continued to sputter his defense even as they left, eventually trailing off as he finally realized that he wasn't getting out of this. He turned to give a look at the clean-up he had in front of him, and he fell to his knees, hands on his head. Elsewhere, a deranged laugh bounced around a sound-proof room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw, the snake toy I mentioned, I pictured to look somewhat [https://www.amazon.ca/Wild-Republic-Stuffed-Animal-Honeycomb/dp/B07B9YSVFN](like%20this) but yellow. 
> 
> Come yell at me on tumblr at bilgisticallykosher!


	3. Purging Our Sins with a Neti Pot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus and Remus prepare their bodies for the afterlife with a Neti Pot Cleanse. This horrifying contraption is designed to clear the sinuses through the application of clean water and brute force.

THOMAS ANNUS, _THOMAS **ANNUS**_

Janus and Remus sat in front of what appeared to be a small swamp. Vegetation surrounded it, and the water was murky. In between them was a small table with two closed boxes. When they move, it's apparent that they're sitting on brightly colored beach chairs. 

"Some people go on dietary cleanses to reset, to attempt to extend their time here on this mortal coil." Janus gestured at the table, and the camera zooms in on two blue boxes. "Some of these people go on another route, and cleanse their nasal passages." Remus turned around to face the swamp. "To try and ward off disease, to stave off infection, to attempt to prolong death." A giant tentacle curled out of the water suddenly. "But you think death stays in your nose? Your inevitable mortality dwells in your sinuses?" The tentacle gave a flick of its appendage, water droplets flying from it. "Nothing can stop you from dying. It's inevitable, it's universal. It's inescapable." The tentacle retreated back into the depths, and Remus turned around again. 

"Neti pots!" He grinned, and Janus's serious demeanor fell away, as he tried not to smirk at the interruption. 

"That was absolutely the tone I was going for, well done." They both faced the camera. "Anyway, this whole cleansing phase is mostly done by certain types of people."

"The Karens. Mom group people!" Remus chimed in while Janus grabbed a box. 

"The type of people who you see coming and you just know they're going to ask to see the manager." He began reading the box as he spoke. 

"I mean," Remus began. "There's probably _some_ people that actually have globules of mucus filling their sinuses." He grinned.

"Of course," Janus preened, meeting Remus's eyes, "but they're clearly not the target consumer," and he went back to reading the side of the packaging. 

"Right!" Remus grabbed the other box off the table, "But we are, so let's get high on pot!" He placed both hands on top of the box, and ripped it right down the middle. He flung the box off-screen, scattering little packets everywhere. "Whoopsie." He looked over at Janus, who wasn't paying him any attention. He shrugged at the camera. 

"Is neti pot the brand name, do you think?" Janus's finger skimmed over the information detailing usage.

"Mmm. Maybe it's like that Q-tip, cotton swab thing," Remus mused as he scrambled out of his chair to pick up some of the saline packets he'd dropped. 

"It says Nasaflo on the box also." Janus turned the box around, considering. 

"Oh, so it's a brand name," he shrugged. Janus peered at him, lowering the box.

"We're _using_ brand name neti pots. Why would it print the generic name for it also?" Janus took in what was happening, his eyes narrowing more. "What are you doing."

Remus waved him off with a hand that contained a few packets, unintentionally flinging one Janus's direction. He grabbed another one in his other hand, and dumped them into the half box he'd grabbed from his table. 

"Well maybe they wanted to be thorough," he halfheartedly argued, pointedly ignoring the question. Janus sighed and shook his head, going back to looking at the box. 

"Hm. Interesting." He tapped the box where his gaze landed. Remus continued crawling around gathering the packets. "It says here that only certain waters are permitted to use in this." He pointed his finger on the part of the box as he was reading, moving it as he read. "Recommended for safe use are; sterile, distilled, or boiled water. The boiled-"

"What about birth water?" Janus looked up at that, finger hovering over his place. 

"What." His eyebrows constricted, peering at Remus. 

"Birth water!" Remus flourished his hand with a grin. "It'd be like a rebirth of the nostrils! Amniotic fluid is mostly water, anyway." He tilted his head, frowning as he trailed off. "Except for the part of it that's baby pee…" 

Janus sighed, and shook his head slightly. He opened his mouth as if to speak, then seemed to think better of it.

Remus, on the other hand, possessed no such qualms. "En utero, more like en _urine_ o." Remus tilted his head towards Janus, mouth open in a shit-eating grin; the universal sign of having told a pun. If only it'd been good. 

"The boiled water," Janus resumed," must be boiled for three to five minutes, and must be cooled before using." He tapped his finger on the box. "You know what that last part means, don't you?" He looked at Remus, who was grabbing some of the saline packets nearest to him. He looked up when Janus paused. "It means someone tried to scald their nostrils immediately after boiling the water." Janus finished, tone smarmy.

Remus grinned wildly back at him, eyes lit up bright. He dropped a packet or two in excitement. 

"But imagine the bleeding blisters all along their nasal cavities! The scalded skin torn from the flesh!" He clawed his hands, getting more into his train of thought. "You wouldn't be able to smell anything spicy without crying out in agony for weeks! Your nose would be pulsating in pain at the slightest sign of a sniffle! Allergies become a bloodbath! _AHAHAHAHA!_ " Remus's cackle echoed, high-pitched and terrible. 

"The reason why," Janus plowed on, having allowed him his moment, "is that apparently swallowing," he paused a moment, allowing time for Remus to snort. "Swallowing the organ-" Remus snorted again, "-isms that live in the water is fine, because stomach acid kills them. You don't have acid in your nose." He looked up at Remus, who was flipping some packets in his hand between his fingers. "At least, most people don't."

"Hmmm?" Remus looked up, sensing Janus's stare. "Oh, no, you don't have to worry about me; my nostrils have been kept painstakingly clean for this occasion for weeks," Remus proudly reported, puffing out his chest. "With frequent maintenance!" 

"Frequent maintenance translating to?" Remus held up his hands excitedly, fingers splayed wide. "That's what I thought," Janus sighed.

"What is a neti pot, if not extreme nose picking?" Remus tilted his head down to look at the packets that he'd just picked up, now sitting at his feet from his answer. "Aw, poopy." He started plucking them up again. 

"Interestingly enough," Janus had resumed skimming the box, "apparently if you use neti pots often enough, there's a correlation with more sinus infections."

"Ooh. How ironic."

"Something about how frequent usage reduces the mucosal lining, thereby there's a higher risk of infection." Janus tilted his head to the side, considering. "Not ideal. Of course, another listed side effect is death." 

Remus finished picking up the packets, and dropped them onto the remains of the box. He flopped down into the chair, legs flung over the arm, his own arm over the back, head cradled by the other arm of the chair. 

"We all die eventually, blah blah, death comes for us all, or whatever," he contributed, uninterested, with a little wave of his hand. Janus leveled a look at him before turning back to the box 

"Well, if you're going to take that attitude towards it, I suppose that we can move on and actually use the pots now." He placed the box on his lap, fingers steepled over it. 

"Yeah!" Remus bolted upright in his seat. "Let's break safety regulations!" He grabbed a saline packet, ripping it open. He leaned over the table, poured out the contents, and started snorting it up his nose. 

He immediately began choking, making horrible snorting noises. 

"And what did you ex _pect_ would happen; confetti?" 

"Hnr hnr hnr," Remus rubbed furiously at his nose. 

"And what did we learn?" Janus drummed his fingers on the arm of the chair. 

"Hnrrrrgh." Remus pinched his nose, before ripping it clean off. He tilted it to the side, a small stream of white powder pouring out into a pile onto the floor. He shook out the last few particles, and brought his nose back to his face, sticking it on. He adjusted it back and forth a few times, before settling it where it was originally. He inhaled loudly through it. 

"Safety rules are there for a reason," he moped, finally answering Janus's question. 

"Let's begin to use the neti pots. Don't hold your breath when using it, and lightly blow your nose after use." Janus opened up his own box, smoothly taking out the pot and one packet of saline. He tilted it this way and that. "Do you suppose that it resembles a teapot because the packets are reminiscent of teabags?"

"Ooh, we should put our pinkies out to be all fancy!" Remus demonstrated with both hands, extending his pinkies outward. 

"Well, I'd meant that it was an unsettling comparison, but," Janus lifted his left pinky, "sure, let's go with that." He took the packet, placed the pot on the floor, stuck his hand out to Remus, flapping his fingertips towards himself in a beckoning motion. "Jug of water." Remus tilted his head as Janus kept it up. 

Remus sat there blinking for a moment, Janus still steadily and insistently motioning towards himself. Remus finally got the message with an audible noise, and handed Janus the jug of water. He took it, and uncapped it, gently pouring it into the Neti pot. 

"Hey, are we doing this together? One at a time, or what?" He grabbed the water as Janus passed it to him. 

"Let's try both at the same time." He shook a saline packet, loosening it up. "I can't imagine that using these things is entertaining enough to do four separate nostril irrigations," he mused, pouring the packet in.

"Synchronized swimming-in-our-own-nose-juices!" Remus upturned the water jug over his own neti pot, letting it glug a few times until it started sluicing over the sides, overflowing. He held it upright again, before he released it, the jug falling to the ground with a plastic-y plop, some water splashing out of the top. 

Janus closed his neti pot as Remus took another packet and emptied it into his own pot. He and Janus lifted them up, Remus's sloshing some water out, and he covered it. They both brought their pots closer to their faces, leaning forward in their seats. They stuck their pinkies out in tandem, smirking at each other, and finally shoved the spouts into their left nostrils.

They tilted their heads to the right, letting the water inside flow through. As they poured it, it streamed through their left, and exited out the other side, out of their right. Remus immediately opened his mouth, gagging, and spat. Janus also let his mouth hang open, trying to gasp. 

"What's happening?" His voice came out rather watery. "Is this what's supposed to happen?" There was a growing puddle of water under each of them, and an accumulation of mucus in Remus's mouth.

"It feels like I'm drowning very slowly. And ineffectively!" He flapped his mouth a few times. "I can feel it coming out my mouth from around. From my nose, around back, and out my mouth." 

A long drip of fluid slowly made its way out of Remus's mouth, and he met Janus's eyes as it hit the ground. "BREAK FORMATION!" He pulled the spout out from his nose, sitting up, Janus quickly following suit. "Woo!" He shook out his head much like a wet dog would. "That was a wild ride, huh?" Janus looked frazzled. 

"I don't understand. Why would anyone do this willingly?" He sniffed grossly, moisture still gathering around his nose and mouth. "Why did we invent this? As a species?"

"I dunno." Remus scrunched his nose up. He still had a steady drip leaking out onto the puddle on the floor. He shrugged his shoulders, arms bent, hands outstretched. "I think it was kinda fun!" 

"Didn't you just say it felt like you were slowly drowning?" Janus squinted, skeptical. 

"Didn't say I hated it," he winked and shot him a double finger gun. Literally shot; the tips of his pointer fingers flew at Janus hitting him on the shoulder and bouncing by his feet. 

"Ugh." He flicked the digits into the swamp, where a tentacle immediately reached up and grabbed them into the abyss. "I suppose that we still have to do the other side, too?"

"Sure!" Remus confirmed with an easy smile. He squinted at the empty fingertip space on his pointers for one second before two new ones popped into place like they never left and his smile returned. "You don't want uneven bacteria and mucus in your nasal passages!"

"You don't know that." He rubbed at his forehead a bit, "don't forget to lightly blow your nose." He looked around. "Do we have any tissues?" He looked at Remus, "or you could create some, I suppose."

But Remus was already leaning forward with his head between his legs, loudly blowing with enough force to expel a rock. Janus took a brief moment to look disgusted before sighing and lifting his neti pot again. 

"Should we switch neti pots?" Remus lifted his head, batting his eyelashes at him. "Share our experiences in an even more intimate way?" Janus gave him a weary glare. 

"Shut up and drown yourself." He inserted the nozzle into his right nostril. Remus followed his lead, and stuck out his pinky again. 

"Ah-ah!" He wiggled his pinky in a reminder. 

"No. Fuck the pinky. Nothing about this is dignified." He gave one last inhale. "Alright. Let's get this over with." And with that they both tilted again, water pouring out again. 

"It's so weird," Remus watched the liquid coming out of his left nostril as a low hum began in the background of his speaking. "It seems like I shouldn't be able to speak. Like I'm dripping from my mouth, too, but not completely filling up with water or anything." He tilted his head very slightly to look at Janus. "You know?"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Janus's quiet, unending scream was in the background to the flowing water; the source of the hum. 

"Yeah, totally." He agreed while gay gesticulating. "But you know, you've gotta embrace the drowning! Let it flow through you, it's enjoyable sorta." Janus was still screaming at the- well, not the top- the bottom of his lungs. "Pot's almost empty, we're almost done." He announced cheerfully. 

Janus glanced at his own neti pot, considerably more full than Remus's. He pulled it out, looked at it for a second, and threw it over his shoulder into the swamp. A tentacle came out again, grabbing it down. 

"Oh, look. I'm done."

Remus frowned as the last of his water went through his nasal passages before he also sat upright, and removed his pot. 

"Hey, what gives?" He sounded more nasal than usual as he crossed his arms. "You can't just pull out early! We never agreed to that!" He unfolded his arms, poking Janus in the chest with the spout of the pot. "And you know that pulling out early doesn't work anyway." 

"Get that thing off of me," he frowned, swiping it away from himself, as he inhaled deeply through his mouth. The pot fell to the floor, sliding slightly across the big, wet, viscous puddle. "So, how does your upper respiratory system feel?"

Remus loudly inhaled through his nose, pulling in a dripping string from his nostril. He coughed, then cleared his throat, coughed again, then cleared his throat even louder, culminating in a loud _a-HEM-hem-hem_ and a loud hack which deposited a globule, floating on top of the puddle. 

"I feel great!" Remus sat upright, perky. "I'm a mom now, I guess!"

"Mazel tov, I didn't even know you were pregnant."

"I feel great," He repeated. "Totally free; uninhibited by modern day hindrances," Remus had stopped blinking, "like mild-to-zero harm levels of nasal bacteria! And clothes!"

"You're wearing clothing," Janus informed him while pinching the bridge of his nose, seemingly attempting to expel the rest of the water out.

"What?" Remus frowned, looking down at his body. He gasped when he saw that he was, indeed, clothed. "No! I can only drown naked! What kind of crime scene would I leave the world if they found me face-down in watery mucus-spit, and I was fully dressed! I'd be a laughingstock!" Janus stared at him. 

"Yes, so different than your normal state of being," he replied wearily, unable to manage to inject as much sarcasm as he usually did into the sentence. 

"Yeah!" He huffed, still frowning, and stomped his foot on the floor, splashing some of the water back onto himself. He skimmed the point of his foot around in the water a little, frown gradually giving way to a more blank look. He lifted his head. "Hey, what's this channel about?"

"Death," Janus didn't look up from where he was hanging his head.

"That's right, my mucus-y mate! And that means that you've got a limited time to subscribe to this channel!" He paused, tilting his head to the side. "And on Earth."

"Don't think about that last one too much," Janus sneered while massaging the tops of his cheeks. 

"So ask yourself this,"

"If you had the opportunity to choose who to spend your last moments with," he switched to rubbing two spots on his forehead, "who would you choose?"

"Why not us?" Janus snorted.

"You want a list?"

"Hey," Remus protested, "we've only done three videos so far."

"That's right, so there's still plenty of time for you to back out. But don't. Join us on our journey." He adjusted his hat. "Because time is running out."

"Subscribe now!" Remus gestured with a pointed finger, dragging it to his opposite shoulder. "Because you _will_ not get another chance to join us." He paused, using his finger to poke Janus in the shoulder. "Hey, do you think we should do an enema next? For comparison?"

"I absolutely do not want you touching me. Now or ever." Janus shook him off of his shoulder, shook himself like he was dislodging a fly, then resumed his composed demeanor. 

"Man," Remus poked himself in the nose, "how do people not get massive rhinorrhea after using this thing?" 

"Whatever that is, don't explain it. I implore you."

"But it's just a runny nose!" Remus protested as Janus just sighed. "You know, rhino like nose. And rrhea like diarrhea!"

"I knew that wasn't going to end well."

The scene abruptly changes from in front of the swamp. A familiar spinning swirl appears. But this time, instead of black and white, it's green and yellow. Remus and Janus slowly come into view. Remus is now wearing a mostly black suit, but with a green lining, green buttons, and green cufflinks. Janus, on the other hand, had a mostly yellow suit, but his accents are white. 

"We'd like to thank everybody for making the launch of Thomas Annus so incredible," Remus smiles marginally less manically than he usually does. 

"You've blown past every expectation that we've had," Janus agrees. 

"Of course, to be fair, we had pretty low expectations to begin with!" Remus meets Janus's eyes. 

"I'm annoyed, but not surprised."

"Ha! Point for me!" He declares, wiggling happily. 

"On this channel," Janus faces back towards the camera, steepling his fingers, "we want to explore the kind of content that we think YouTube should be for. That is, content for content's sake. Past the need for monetization, and algorithms for recommended videos and popular this, trending that." He waves his hand dismissively as he mentions it all. 

"We want to create videos that excite us!" Remus jumps into the air, "We want to _push_ ourselves," he makes a pushing motion, "past the limits on our comfort zones! " Janus tilts his head Remus's direction. 

"Hold on," he places his hand out in a 'stop' motion. "You have limits on your comfort zone?"

"Oh, probably not," Remus waves the idea away, "but think of how much fun I'll have finding out!" He grips onto nothing, hands clenched into excited fists, as his eyes practically sparkle. 

"Uh-huh." Janus raises an eyebrow before shaking his head at him, turning back to the camera and clearing his throat. "But in order for us to do that, we need some help from you.  
Subscribe if you haven't already, because some day, you might not be able to."

"Ring the bell," Remus taps the air like he's clicking on something, "because eventually, its chime will cease." He mimics crushing an object in his hand. 

"Comment while you can. If you wait till it's too late, your voice will never be heard." Janus cups his hand around his ear. 

"Like the videos, and share them with as many people as you can." He claps a hand onto Janus's shoulder. "Because some day, there won't be anything TO share." 

"And, in the spirit of not taking things with us," he gently lifts Remus's arm off of himself by the sleeve and dropping it, "we have one more special gift for you. If we hit our goal of subscribers within one week," he holds up his pointer finger, "we'll pick a random subscriber, and hand deliver" he mimes handing something over into the camera view, "a special gift directly to you, wherever you may be."

"If we don't, I'm getting my nipples pierced!" Janus squints at him. 

"What."

"This will be the first of many milestones to come with even greater rewards!" Remus splays his fingers stretched outwards. 

"Or worse punishments." He scratches at the side of his face, hiding his mouth as he quickly mumbles "ontoRemusandnotme." If Remus hears him, he doesn't show it. 

"Help us reach higher and higher," he holds his hand level, moving it up in increments before dropping it, "and you will see all that we have planned for you." The grin forebodes menacingly. 

"Omnia terminos."

"We'll see you tomorrow."

"Thomas Annus," they conclude together. The clock resumes its countdown. 

Endcard: 

They were both back in front of the swamp. Janus was hosing down the area, including the chairs that they'd used. Remus sneaked up behind him. 

"Hey, deceitfully delicious," Remus called, lifting his hand, readying himself.

"What," Janus sounded unimpressed already as he turned his head to look at Remus, who promptly clapped his hand onto on Janus's face, grabbing. 

"Got your _no_ sey," He crowed, waving Janus's nose triumphantly around.

"Remus!" One hand covered his nose gap while he held the hose up menacingly. "Give me my nose back now."

"What's going to happen if I don't?" He teased, wiggling his hand in front of him. "You going to _clean_ me?"

"Funny, that'd usually be enough of a deterrent for you." Janus turned off the hose, hand still covering his face. "Fine then. As you wish." He launched the hose at Remus, cracking him on the side of the head. As he stumbled from the hit, Janus tackled him onto the ground, and they immediately started struggling and wrestling with each other. 

He grabbed Remus's arm, "Give!" He attempted to loosen his grip by prying at his fingers, "It!" He pinned the hand down by his head, unable to open it, "Back!" His eyes scanned all over his face, and then suddenly, with the hand not pinning Remus's arm, he struck suddenly.

When he pulled away, he held his own prize in his hand; Remus's nose. "Ah- _hah!_ Suddenly a bargaining chip comes into play!" He dangled it above his head. Remus looked up at Janus, back down at their lower halves, Janus straddling his own sprawled out form, leg leaning on the arm not holding his nose. He looked back at Janus, his eyes squinted in gloating success.

"Are you as turned on as I am?" He grinned, lecherous, and wiggled himself the best he could from his position. 

"Ugh," Janus loosened Remus's fingers, now relaxed, and practically ripped his nose from him. He positioned his own nose back onto his face, and threw Remus's onto his chest as he got up. Janus placed his nose delicately back onto his face. 

Remus sat up as he left, grabbing his nose, and then smushed it in place. He scrunched up his face, and wriggled his nose, before lowering his hands that had been cupping around the area. His nose was very visibly upside down. Janus had gone back to washing the area off, and was distinctly not paying attention to him. 

"Hey-nus, Jay-nus, do me a favor?"

"You're the heinous one," he retorted before turning the hose off. He turned, and he restrained his jolt of surprise. 

"Thanks," he preened. "But is my nose aligned right?"

Janus stared at Remus for five seconds. He looked at Remus's nose, he scanned up and down his face, he focused again on his nose. He stared into his eyes, Remus stared back. Janus didn't blink once. 

"Yeah, looks fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We find out who the Amy of Thomas Annus is in the next chapter. Get hype!


End file.
